X Sponsored Ad: Stop Procrastinating with Coach Brickly

Say Goodbye to Procrastination Forever; $399 only!

It’s been some time since we’ve had an entry in the 🐒 Wrong Answers Only part of Could Be Worse. If you’re new to Could Be Worse, the best way to describe a Wrong Answers Only post is “Joke answers for real existential dread.” Anyway, this is in the interest of approaching a new year - a motivational post, if you will.

ATTENTION, MAGGOTS!

I’m Coach Brickly™, the world’s first Professional Procrastination Drill Sergeant. Think you’re too good to work? WRONG! Are are the kind of slacker who spends half the day deciding what to eat for lunch or which email to get to instead of doing your work?

I don’t have time for your excuses. I’ll whip your sorry behind until the phrase “I’ll just take a quick nap” gives you trauma. You’ll never be able to see your bed during the daytime without fear. I’ve spent years in the trenches of motivational warfare, crawling through the mud of wasted mucks like you, giving me cowardly excuses.

Do you want to stop procrastinating? I will make you.

About Me:

I’m Coach Brickly™, but you’ll call me SIR. They call me Bricky because my coaching hits harder than a brick. I’ve seen things that would make a weaker man run back to his mommy—weeks lost to binge-watching YouTube, zombies scrolling endlessly through TikTok, and don’t even get me started on self-care procrastinators who think finding themselves will fix their broken work ethic. Newsflash, cupcake: the only thing waiting to be found at the bottom of that soul-searching meditation retreat is your empty bank account.

I served in the ‘99 Procrastination Cleanse, where I single-handedly turned a regiment of loafers into mean, task-completing machines with just a bullhorn and the pure, unfiltered rage of an alpha bro on a protein powder bender (You can visit CoachBrickly.com to buy¹).

Now, YOU can get it all right from the discomfort of your home.

---

Introducing YELL, GUILT, COMPLETE™: The Only Productivity System You’ll Ever Need, Slacker

Gentle nudges are for babies (that too, the weak ones). Motivational speeches are for woke BlueSky dummies. My system is for people who want results—not coddling. If you’re born after the turn of the millennium, you need me. My three-part process will leave you sweating, crying, and, most importantly, DOING.

YELL:

My patented system starts with yelling. I’ll shout things like, “DO YOU THINK ELON MUSK GOT TO THE TOP BY BINGEING DOG VIDEOS ON YOUTUBE AND EATING CHIPS IN THEIR UNDERWEAR?! GET MOVING, WEAKLING!” My voice has been scientifically calibrated to make your spine tingle, your heart race, and your brain scream, “WHY AM I LIKE THIS?!”

GUILT:

Every minute you waste is a minute closer to failure! I’ll remind you that every wasted second is another nail in the coffin of your dreams. Imagine your grandma’s face if she knew you’re still working on that “side hustle” you promised to finish last year. The trade is simple: You finish your task, or I finish your grandma. Am I joking? Maybe. But…DO YOU WANT TO TAKE THE CHANCE, LOSER?

COMPLETE:

By the time I’m through with you, your to-do list will be screaming for mercy. You’ll be so efficient that the military will try to draft you for secret projects. You’ll get so much done that you’ll wonder why you ever procrastinated in the first place. Quick commerce delivery speeds will look glacial relative to your new productivity peak. You’ll be completing tasks you haven’t even thought of!

---

My Service Packages: Pick Your Poison, Slacker

The Morning Drill

Every morning, I’ll call you at 0500 hours sharp. I’ll yell, “RISE AND SHINE, PRIVATE USELESS! IT’S TIME TO STOP BEING A FAILURE!” until you’re out of bed with boots on the ground.

The Public Shame Parade™

I’ll follow you around town with a megaphone, announcing to everyone, “LOOK AT THIS MAGGOT STILL TRYING TO ‘FIND THEMSELVES’ INSTEAD OF DOING REAL WORK!” You’ll finish your tasks out of sheer embarrassment or be too ashamed to show your face at the grocery store. Either way, mission accomplished.

The Procrastinator’s Lockdown™

I’ll confiscate your little distraction gadgets. Do you like your phone? Well, too bad, because now it’s in my lockbox. It’s booby-trapped, and you have a choice - focus or lose a finger.

The Pet Accountability Program™

Your dog used to love you. Now they’re disgusted by you. I’ll train your pooch to growl every time you slack off. Got a cat? I’ll make it judge you even harder than it already does. No pets? Don’t worry. I’ve got a fleet of loaner crows that come by every day, stand at your window and pass judgemental caws until you have no choice but to get to it.

---

Tools to Keep You on Task (Or Face the Consequences)

Every session comes with access to my productivity toolkit—a series of highly unpleasant reminders to keep you working:

Snooze Hack™

A proprietary code that will destroy the snooze button on your phone. When the alarm rings in the morning, there is no more snoozing. There is no more stopping. I will decide to stop it when you have shown me proof that you’re out of bed. Your mornings will ring with unstopped alarms, leaving you no option but to wake up and dominate!

The Productivity Shock Bracelet™

Strap this on and feel a delightful electric jolt every time you stray off course. Want to Google “How much does The Rock bench press?”—BZZT! Back to work, soldier! My methods aren’t nice, but neither is life.

Disappointed Asian Parent Bot™

This bot will text you every hour with messages like, 'Why are you not a doctor yet?' and 'Your cousin already finished their work—what's your excuse?' It's like having an endlessly disappointed parent in your pocket, ensuring you stay on task.

Custom Shame Wallpaper

Your computer wallpaper will feature a high-resolution image of me, staring into your soul, with the words: “I’M WATCHING YOU, SLACKER.” You’ll think twice before clicking that Reddit tab.

---

Reviews from People Who Survived My Regimen

“Coach Brickly™ yelled at me so much I had no choice but to finish the novel finally after years. I did it in two days. I haven’t slept in a week and lost a hundred pounds, but hey, I’m finally productive.” - George R.R Martin, Successful Author (who finally finished writing the damn series).

“I used to procrastinate on everything. I never used to floss. I now floss fifteen times a day—mostly out of fear that Coach Brickly™ will burst through my door. He once left a note on my fridge that said, 'The only thing you should be chewing is success, not gingivitis.' I don't even know how he got in.” - Gintoki S, Ex-Slacker

“Coach Brickly™ followed me into a coffee shop and yelled, ‘ARE YOU WRITING A BUSINESS PLAN OR A COFFEE MENU, PRIVATE?!’ I finished my entire business plan on the spot.” - Priya S., Humiliated but Thriving Entrepreneur

Disclaimer: Those who did not survive Coach Brickly™'s regimen weren't alive enough to deserve a review. You want a participation trophy? Get outta here.

---

FAQ: Because I Hate Repeating Myself

Q: What makes you qualified to be a Procrastination Coach?

A: I’ve got a degree in pure rage from the Andrew Tate School of Tough Love.

Q: Will I cry during the sessions?

A: Probably. But they’ll be tears of PROGRESS, soldier! Keep a water bottle with you always.

Q: Can you guarantee results?

A: Absolutely. If you don’t finish your tasks, I’ll personally show up at your house to ‘refund’ your money.

---

Stop Waiting. Start Doing.

Procrastination is an enemy, a silent thief of your future. I’m the noisy nightmare it deserves. For only $399.99 per session, I’ll give you two hours of my yelling, guilt-tripping, and general terrorizing—enough to transform you from a slacker into a productivity machine.

Click now to book your session. If you’re still thinking about it, you’re procrastinating—AND I’M WATCHING.

Remember: Time is money, and your grandma’s judging you. SO AM I.

Could Be Worse,

Tyag

---

More Wrong Answers Only Posts:

1. It doesn’t exist. I do not have the time, skills or budget like John Oliver to create a fake website with fake supplements.