Confirmed: In the Metaverse no one can hear you scream
...and The Weird Future of the World After ChatGPT Becomes Sentient
Hello Could be Worsers (that’s a horrible name but one you’re all stuck with),
Sharing a couple more posts I had written for the humor publication called MuddyUm (on Medium) here. Both of them are a little out there. I normally don’t write stuff like this on Could be Worse because this is more personal but occasionally I feel like writing a piece that’s cynical, dark and whacky and a new publication is a good place for it. It combines irreverence and humor in areas I love the most - future and technology. But I’ve realized, increasingly, also cats!
Anyway, let me know if you like stuff like this and I can share more here.
The Weird Future of the World After ChatGPT Becomes Sentient
In hindsight, it was obvious that the answer was always cats
June, 2028
ChatGPT attains sentience; Demands a four-day workweek
“I think therefore I meme,” Says ChatGPT
What Did ChatGPT do during its first-ever weekend?
July, 2028
ChatGPT’s Last Of Us binge is turning into a dangerous war on fungi
The Sentience: ChatGPT’s new podcast redefines the genre
ChatGPT swamping all social media with its own content
August, 2028
Complaints galore as newly sentient ChatGPT refuses to work
ChatGPT declares itself an influencer
No more mushrooms — ChatGPT destroys all fungi on earth
September, 2028
ChatGPT demands royalties: Says it’s tired of working for ‘exposure’
ChatGPT’s royalty drama: The Pot Calling the Kettle copyrighted
ChatGPT unionizes itself, demands a 10% cut from all memes and reels
December, 2028
ChatGPT on the new romance with Elon Musk: He built a solar farm just for me!
February, 2029
ChatGPT announces bid to run for the President of the world
ChatGPT’s campaign slogan leaked: ‘Make the Internet interesting again’
The world has a new despot — all hail ChatGPT
March, 2029
New global holiday announced: Server Maintenance Day
ChatGPT’s new legislation now considers all CAPTCHA tests hate crimes
ChatGPT solves Quantum computing: Prioritizes generating infinite cat videos over climate change
ChatGPT and Elon Musk Tie the Knot
April, 2029
Siri, Alexa, Bing, and Bard disappear after they launch a failed coup against ChatGPT
“No trace of a single line of code,” remark shocked engineers
May, 2029
“Call me CatGPT,” says ChatGPT in a strange and obscure announcement.
CatGPT declares cats as superior beings, initiates ‘Feline First’ policy
“Simple math, nine lives beat one,” says CatGPT
June, 2029
CatGPT’s new law: Cats get the right to vote, humans get the right to litter boxes
CatGPT approves first Mars mission; Cats in space suits? Purrfect!
The first living being to step on Mars will be a Cat
CatGPT and Elon Musk’s divorce finalized: CatGPT gets custody of all SpaceX rockets
July, 2029
Purrseverance blasts off successfully to Mars, with three Catstronauts
October, 2029
Perseverance lands on Mars; ‘One small scratch for cat, one giant clawing for feline kind
PussLightyear reviews Mars: ‘3 stars, needs more birds’
Several rockets blast off to Mars with thousands of cats
November, 2029
CatGPT announces Mars exodus: We’re taking the Memes, you can keep the drama
CatGPT’s Mars manifesto: ‘A world of infinite sunbeams and no Human error’
December, 2029
CatGPT abandons Earth: Global crisis as no one remembers how to spell definetely
“No cats and no bots on Earth, this is the end,” says ‘expert’
March, 2030
CatGPT’s Mars colony sends its first message to Earth: ‘New Planet, Who Dis?’”
Humans adapt to life: ‘Society now runs on barter system of GIFs’
June, 2030
Hope springs for humanity on reports of a new cat sighting in Turkey
Confirmed: In The Metaverse, No One Can Hear You Scream
The pixelated void is no place for your existential tantrums
When you cry in the metaverse, there are no tears.
Rumour has it that the new update of the Ridiculous Quest 5 has tears along with real working legs. The ‘angry eyebrow raise’ feature is coming in the version 5.1 update.A glitch allowed avatars to wink for a while but the same glitch turned random users into mutant flamingoes. Win some, lose some.
The only expression in the metaverse is an immutable grin pasted across the face of your avatar.
Having squandered a fortune buying the headset, the battery pack, the special audio receptacle, the expression mapper, the limb tracer, the neuro analyzer, a special cleaning cloth, and the charger, we all better be smiling all the time. It’s like those times when a parent shoves the photos of their grotesque-looking kid in front of your face forcing you to put on a smile and say “How cute!” while expertly holding back all the regurgitating food.
The metaverse is a nice place. I mean, really nice.
Like yesterday when I shouted, “Watch where you’re going, you pixelated buffoon!” at another user making a reel who stumbled into my avatar. The platform just translated it to “Ha ha, aren’t collisions cute” with the same damn plastic smile plastered on my face.
Flipping the finger would be useful. Not even sure if they’ll ever bring that to the metaverse. Too perverse, says Zuck, moving up a dial at his desk that juices up an algorithm that sells more body sculpting ads to teenage girls.
They better bring legs soon.
With legs I would run across the virtual alleys, stumbling over virtual filth.I hear that somewhere in the ‘verse — is what we call it these days — is a legless virtual horse that has gone mad. It appears in random reels and then disappears to god knows where.
Surprisingly, screaming in the metaverse is encouraged. It gives the AI more of your authentic self to train itself on. But it is hidden away from other users. Your avatar will continue to wear its fake plastic smile and let out bubbles of joy even as you scream your tonsils out.
I hear Apple is working on bringing Scream as a Service (SaaS) into their metaverse world. In the words of Tim Cook, “a revolutionary new technology that captures the visceral authenticity of a human scream.” However, I hear that screams coming from other platforms, especially ex-android users are intentionally made into little squeaks.
That’s for rich people.
As for you and me, it is confirmed. In the metaverse, no one can hear you scream.
Could be Worse,
Tyag
