Ten Tips To Make A Million Dollars
Ten Tips To Make A Million Dollars
If these don't work, come back and I will give you ten more.
Another glorious addition to 🐒 Wrong Answers Only - the only source of wisdom, learning and self-improvement you ever need in life.
It is a truth universally acknowledged, that every single person with access to the Internet, must be in want of a million dollars.
It was none other than Gilgamesh, who once declared: “He who has seen the deep knows that a million shekels in dollars is the true measure of a man's greatness. Also, it buys a lot of really nice beer.”
“The unexamined bank account is even worse than an unexamined life. One must strive for a million drachmas to truly understand the essence of being,” said Socrates.
Anyway, let’s cut to the chase: Every single person on this planet should aim for at least a million dollars.
It’s not much, honestly.
In $100 bills, carrying a million dollars is like lugging a toddler, except you can exchange it for nice things. Also, dollars don’t poop.
Here’s how to snag your first million in shockingly simple ways. Some of these don’t even require an entire day. No excuses.
1. 🫴🏼 Ask for it.
"You miss 100% of the million you don’t ask" — Wayne Gretzky.
Getting a million dollars doesn't need the whim of a capricious lottery. It’s something much more pedestrian: asking. Wander through cafes, fancy hotels, temples, and marriage halls and ask people for money. “Hey, I’m on a journey to make a million dollars. Could you please give me $10K?” No? Fine. Ask for $5K. Still a wall? Ask your Starbucks Barista if she can spare an extra $5. Nothing is too small.
Done with panache, it’s not begging.
2. 🦟 Be Persistent
“The reasonable man adapts himself to the world: the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore, all progress depends on the unreasonable man.”― George Bernard Shaw.
Think of every refusal as another grind in your knife of asking. Everyone pays, eventually. It could be sheer exhaustion at your nag. It could be the fear of a murmured threat or two or a casual twirl of blunt scissors between your fingers.
No it’s not mugging, It’s encouragement.
3. 📊 Pitch a startup
“The best way to predict a future million dollars is to create a PowerPoint” — Alan Kay
If you’re feeling extra creative, make a PowerPoint. Lean into the lexicon of those that shape the future. Consider various uses of AI. Gen-AI is worth an easy $200K. Web3 still has some cachet. String together the buzzwords in new ways: Neural Web3 Gen-AI Engine (you can take it for $50). Throw around the right words until someone’s FOMO kicks in. Exhort: “Don’t fall on the wrong side of this revolution!”
The real experts oversee the interest rates and pitch at the right time - when the economic FOMO is at its peak and money is sloshing around. You’ll be surprised how easy it is to pluck millions from the greasy hands of Vul(en)ture Capitalists.
4. 🤑 Pretend you already have a million dollars
“Fake it till you make it” – Confucius
Throw on a nice borrowed suit. Find an empty mansion and make it the backdrop for your TikTik revolution. Pose as a valet and film a quick Insta reel while pretending to park a fancy car. Flaunt your wealth on social media, and tell everyone how you hustled your way to it.
Once you’ve built your house of borrowed opulence, shiny fabric and luxury lifestyle, watch the money roll in. People really like giving away money to people with money.
Oh, and tell everyone you lift weights - trust me, it just works for some reason.
5. 📉 Marry The Millions
“Marry the million that you wish you had.”― Mahatma Gandhi
This should have been the first point. The best way to get to a million dollars is to start at 10 million or perhaps 100 million. If your sperm lacked the foresight to be born to wealthy parents, don’t despair. There’s always the marital strategy. Find a nice bank account for yourself and a requisite spouse to come with it. Spend enough millions, and you’ll eventually be able to earn back a million.
6. 🫁 Don’t Sell Yourself Short
"Stay hungry, stay foolish, and always have a backup plan to sell slightly different versions of the same product every year." — Steve Jobs.
True hustle in seeing yourself in the mirror and saying, “I wonder what that’s worth!”
Three fingers? Good enough for a starting bid. The extra kidney? You’ll be surprised to learn that your kidney could be worth as much as $200K in the black market. A piece of your medula oblongata? Who knows what someone would give for a slice of that sweet neural tissue? Bone marrow juice?
I haven’t audited all the bits and bobs around your meat suit, but trust me when I say that your body is a treasure basket of untapped equity. If nothing, you can sell your..ahem, sperm or egg. Where do you think the term seed money came from?
7. 🐱 Cats
“Invest in what you understand.” – Warren Buffet
When in doubt, get a cat. If still in doubt, get a dog too. With any luck, all those hours you spent in your twenties on mindless Cat videos on TikTok have made you an expert in the Feline Short Entertainment market. Buy a few cameras and place them strategically. Then, wait and pray that your cat has more charisma than you ever will. If nothing, you can learn from it.
8. 👶🏼 Use your kids
“Good friends, good books, and kids that earn for you: this is the ideal life.” ― Mark Twain
One of the three reasons to have kids? Free labour. Move those tiny nuisances from cost to revenue in the balance sheet of your life. If your offspring isn’t pulling in at least $50K a year, what even the point? Get those tiny hands and legs moving. Haven’t you heard of the 4-year-old who is already a published author?
If you have more than one kid, make them read The Art of War and get them to compete. The household economy should be an intense capitalistic hellscape. “Hey, little Dev, you made $100 today? Amazing! Did your tiny feet hurt? Did you just sit and watch cartoons the rest of the time? BECAUSE YOUR BROTHER MADE $400!”
Maintain plausible deniability and don’t ask them where the dollars are coming from.
9. 🔂 Just Buy And Sell Again
“Real profit lies in the invisible hand of the black market” — Adam Smith
The world is full of people who have no clue how much anything is or how to do anything. You can create a black market for literally anything.
Corner the local spinach supply. Run to ten local stores around you, buy up all the spinach and create a dedicated website that sells spinach at 50% markup. ‘Give your gold, get your iron’ has a nice clang to it.
Take all the cursed cryptic runes, aka IKEA’s assembly instructions, rewrite them in human-readable language. Package this newfound clarity as $1 PDFs. Remember, even Jesus started riffing around in the furniture space.
Buy all umbrellas in a local shop during the rainy season and sell them to drenched, desperate, fishy-smelling commuters at a premium near transportation exits.
10. 😍 Make shit up about shit
“After nourishment, shelter and companionship, stories about expensive shit are the thing we need most in the world.” ― Philip Pullman.
The key is to tell an outrageous story and not to giggle when you do. Or smirk. Not even a twitch. Remember: the more expensive something is, the more credible it becomes.
That old scented candle lying around? Artisanal. That’s the word, but it’s so over-used, so go beyond — hand-crafted by Himalayan monks using the scent of the endangered mountain elk. $895
Half-eaten banana? Pre-chewed, taste-tested fruit, meticulously inspected for perfect ripeness. They monitored the chewer for 45 days for any effects of residual pesticides. $120 a dozen.
That old jar of mango pickle your mother left in the refrigerator before the turn of this century - a fermented ethnic elixir full of soul-healing probiotics. Made with the secret ingredient of a mother’s love, of course. No, scratch that last part — too middlebrow. Elites don’t give a f*** about mother or love. Anyway, $350
You get the point—DNA-boosting juice, micro-plastic-free coffee, volcanic potatoes, Water from never-accessed cave lakes, etc. The possibilities are endless.
I could keep going, but I have my own million to make. There’s enough here to inspire you lazy bums to get moving. So, what’s stopping you.
Could be Worse
Tyag