Hello little pebbles in the churning sea of entropy,
I’ve had parts of these written down in various forms in various documents for myself but I thought I would share a small sliver of it here. I think to live in the modern era is to be anxious but some of us are prone to some extra love from the gods of anxiety than others. It also changes with context. For instance, I am less anxious about sky diving from a plane than approaching a stranger to strike up a conversation. So, I thought I will share some of my thoughts around anxiety and things that have worked well for me so far.
A long time ago, my forefathers heard a rustle in the bushes and woke up with a start. They fled the area (the reason they became my forefathers in the first place instead of being...well, dead), found a rock to protect their backs and kept a wary eye on the land where things crept, crawled, padded and jumped at them.
Several thousands of years later, in that same glorious tradition, I wake up with a start on Monday mornings. There are no bushes around to rustle but I sense the predatory growl of approaching deadlines, big meetings and unresolved complications much the same way my forebears heard the roar of a lion across the Savannahs - with trepidation.
Anxious times
Anxiety is a well-known but unwelcome acquaintance for most of us. It’s that feeling when the phone rings at an odd time in the night or when you think about a massive deadline around the corner. The night before an upcoming big-stage speech (if you are like me - a month before it) or making a big presentation. It’s the moment where you approach strangers or walk into a large social spotlight. It could be the worry of feeling an ugly stabbing pain of an unknown source in your body or of having a loved one in a hospital. Change. Growing old. Getting lost. For women in many places, especially in India - just walking on a lonely stretch of road late in the evening.
The world is normally full of little tics and twitches to keep you anxious. In these times of Covid, doubly so.
Some anxieties though are persistent and debilitating, like N’s cynophobia. She lives a terrifying paradox - one in which she sees dogs as beasts with large canines, manic energy and ill-intent towards her while a vast majority of others sees them as a cuddly bundle of love and goofiness. When they come bounding towards her she freezes, grabs my arms and exhibits all physical symptoms of terror - much the same as you would if faced with a predator in the wild. Seen through her eyes, the mere presence of a dog is a source of anxiety. Sidenote unpopular opinion: Dog owners who think everyone should be ok with their favorite ‘molly’ jumping on them in public are assholes.
I am more benevolent of these four legged canines. But what N feels about dogs, I feel at times about the two legged bipeds with opposable thumbs and speech. I’ve had varying levels of social anxiety and stage fright throughout my life. The idea of going to a bustling party full of strangers makes me uncomfortable enough to skip. But an upcoming big presentation will keep me sleepless for days. Meeting new people is a high-stakes affair for me.
It’s often debilitating. I don’t end up building networks as well as I should, I do not sell myself as well as I should, I am not visible enough and so on. It also makes my life hell in certain high confrontational, high visibility situations - weighs so heavily on my mind that I do not enjoy life as I should.
Modern work is an anxiety amplifier
A simple barometer of my anxieties is Monday mornings. After a restless sleep on most sunday nights, I wake up brooding, worrying and in general feeling exhausted even before the day had started. This is independent of how much I enjoy what I do. If it involves dependent stakeholders, power dynamics and evaluation of me as an individual, it makes me anxious.
In general terms I am a low anxiety person. I go with the flow (do not try to control things), believe that somehow things will work out (irrational, sure) and generally anticipate good things coming up in the future. I dream a lot and do not catastrophize.
But in two contexts I approach moderate to severe anxiety: social interactions and stage performance.
Social anxiety: I blow hot and cold socially. I usually stick with a small band of people I am comfortable with because new people make me anxious. I suck at small talk and often my brain is racing with desperation on what to say in conversation rather than actually listening. Meeting new people or socializing raises my heart rate. In fact, having to call someone on the phone (or attending a phone call) other than a small band of friends and family makes me anxious af. Over the years, I realize that its deeper than just ‘getting over it’. It’s chemical and psychological but it’s as real as someone having migraine headaches or fearing snakes.
Stage fright: Then there’s the stage fright which may be more relatable to more people. Any time I have the spotlight on me (not necessarily literally) I freeze much as N does when a dog comes bounding at her. A spotlight could be something as simple as me walking to a group of five people making small talk and they all turn to look at me. My heart thuds faster, my throat dries and my brain refuses to function normally. If I have to give a big presentation, multiply this feeling by 10. Or a 100.
Work exaggerates both social and stage performance anxieties. By its very nature, work is a charged social environment where social interactions have a payoff and very frequently you are put in a high stakes stage to be judged or evaluated (even if it’s unsaid). Add in elements of aggressive competition and a liberal dosing of my own imposter syndrome to this and work makes me a hot mess.
Big meetings give me a bad stomach. When I have to make a presentation, I normally feel my heart thudding away like a dolby-surround speaker, right in my throat and ears. My voice shakes. Legs feel a little wobbly. Throat dries. I might as well be ready to make a run for it. I avoid active networking and unnecessary meetings as much as I can. If I do still appear well put together in the context of work (often I do come across as extremely calm on the surface), it has needed constant work internally to battle these demons. It’s exhausting.
An estimated 4% of the world suffers from anxiety disorders. I suspect the number could be higher if you look across the spectrum. Anxiety is like waves in an ocean, sometimes wild, sometimes mild but ever present.
The question then really is, how often do you feel these and how persistent are these. If these happen once in a blue moon, it’s fine. If these happen every day, it’s probably debilitating.
How to keep anxiety in check
Over years, I have realized that this is not something I can just will away. It needs inputs mentally, chemically and physically. Being very keen to find solutions that work to reduce or manage this debilitating feeling, I had started collecting, repeating and using many techniques over the last few years (maybe last 4 years). You might find some / many of them extremely useful if you are like me.
Below is a summary list of habits, actions and decisions that have had a significant impact to help manage my anxiety. In a follow up post, I will expand on some of these more (they certainly deserve more explanation). For now, here’s a simple list of actions or interventions that I have grouped into three broad categories: Habits, Interventions and Life Decisions.
Habits: Things that are most effective as a daily lifestyle choice rather than one time activity or in response to anxiety.
Interventions: Things that help in the moment - tactical, chemical and process.
Life decisions: Bigger choices to be made to seek, avoid and actively put oneself in a less anxious situation
But I am always looking for ideas and solutions that worked for others. What type of anxieties do you have? And what solutions help you manage them?
Tyag
If you liked this post and would like to get something new and interesting every week please subscribe here:
Other posts like this:
Wellness spa for the anxious mind
Does it help to know that there are more of us out there? I say amen to the dog anxiety + people anxiety + hypochondria + anxiety with flying and newly discovered anxieties about crowds in general (thanks to covid). We would assume WFH would help but it kicks in right when zoom puts the virtual “spotlight” on my display picture! The best part of this is that I am seemingly an extrovert to close friends (but internally I seem to hate meeting people and covid has helped a ton in reinforcing this behaviour)!
The only thing that helped was exercise, which doesn’t really get rid of the anxiety but only reduces its magnitude and duration. I don’t know if I have a solution but here is an “amen” to everything you said and hope it helps to know there are more of us out there.