The one where I sound like a grumpy old man for 5 minutes straight
Occasionally, I begin to take this newsletter thing too seriously; like it is some kind of serious endeavor that’s meant to impart light on issues. No. The purpose of this newsletter is to not serve any purpose at all. It is not here to establish my authority or brand in any topic nor provide useful information to those who read it in any form.
It just is. Like life itself.
It exists because the world needs silly, useless things. Things that exist for their own sake and not any grand purpose or intention.
And so, in that spirit, I thought I will rant about anything and everything for five minutes to make your Sundays a little sillier.
Hi 👋
How to tell if someone is a psychopath?
If they send a “Hi” on office messaging channels and stop.
When you ping them back later with a “Hi” and they ping you back with a ‘Good morning” and stop.
They go silent for a minute before asking you one simple question.
They are psychopaths.
Pretty picture 📷
Sometimes people want to put a pretty picture on social media. Well and good, but they don't know what to say about it nor do they want to sound shallow - "look, here is a pretty picture I took" - and so, they add junk philosophical musing or random quotes on life or a poem to make it all look meaningful. They really shouldn’t. It makes me want to puke, eat again so I can puke some more. Just put up the damn pretty picture and say here is a pretty picture - it’s not wrong.
Feeling blessed 😇
People who use the word “feeling blessed” on social media can thank the universe that I am not a dictator with a power to line up people against the wall.
Movie 🎞
When I say the movie was silly and stupid and someone responds, “I just watch movies for timepass” and what they are really trying to say is “you geeks overintellectualize this but I am the salt of the earth who enjoys good masala movies” but what they are actually saying is “my taste in movies is at the level of a five year old and I can’t identify badly made movies if it shat on my face”
Shock 🍿
If there was ever a device that can administer mild shock to people wirelessly I’d buy it irrespective of how expensive it was so I can use it on people who talk in movie theatres while the movie is playing (kids exempted).
Chronology 📃
Interviewees who chronologically narrate all of their experience even when you’ve told them to give you highlights. I want to have Alexa read all the wikipedia pages to them for three years straight.
Elbow room ✈
I imagine a wonderful world where flights let you define an acid-boundary for arm rests and any man who casually puts his elbow into the adjacent seat even while taking up all of the arm room loses the skin on his arms rather painfully.
Young adult 👦
Young adult things. Books about teenagers. Movies about teenagers. TV about teens. They all bore me to hell. It’s always problems of chemicals coursing through them causing everyone so much distress and angst and I just can’t be bothered. Teens do nothing important and yet think that the world revolves around them.
Mosquitoes 🩸
I mean, who doesn’t hate the biggest human murderer ever. Little vampires with wings. Merchants of disease. I can’t stand them - even if they are merely cruising by my arm, whistling their deathly whine. I know those greedy mofos are waiting for a chance to suck my blood and infect me with god knows what.
Masks 🤧
People who don’t wear masks in crowded places like they are making a point. Yeah dude, we get it that you somehow escaped the darwinian filter but don’t endanger us all.
Social warriors 😷
Pretentious social warriors who ask you to pull up the mask even when you just briefly pulled it down because you can’t fucking breathe.
Ethnic dress day 🥻
A part of me dies a little when company HR proposes “ethnic dress day” or “green themed day”. Been a while since this has happened, thankfully.
Things that need to be discarded but seem to only get more popular ❌
Milky Coffee.
Milky Tea.
Indian sweets.
Apple fanboys.
<insert any Indian actor> fanboys.
Modiji.
Indian uncles 👴
Who think India is somehow superior to every ‘foreign’ country, in every single thing, despite overwhelming evidence of rot and despair.
Stop humblebrags 👑
Everyone should stop bragging in the name of self promotion. Your humble brags are not so humble. You can package it as learning but deep down we know you are just showing off. Maybe, mentally, I am two decades back but just stop bragging. Just do your stuff and the world doesn’t need to know how awesomely smart, intelligent or resilient you are.
Who coaches the coachmen? 👩🏫
So many life coaches. So many mentors. So many people running workshops. Alt MBA programs. Knowledge podcasts. So many imparting lessons. Who is actually receiving any?
Quit 😏
People who came up to me when I quit a job to write and said ‘I wish I can do that’ instead of saying the truth that is ‘I wish I could do what I enjoy and is fun without giving up all this good money and security of a structured time that my job is giving me’.
I am too quiet 🙊
All the annoying people who have told me ‘you are too quiet’ over the years should be subjected to that chained guitarist in Mad Max Fury Road playing his solo at 100 decibels for a year straight (not all would consider this a punishment).
Hell is 🥪
Tomatoes in a Sub or Sandwich.
It is 🙄
Saambaar not Saamburr.
Tyag not Dyat, Tya, Tag, Dae, Tie, Kyat (to several starbuckistas).
War lingos 🔫
War lingos in corporations. Do or die. War time. Fortify our position. Kill the competition. Makes me want to throw up. Nah, you’re just selling soaps and moisturisers buddy. Or worse, an app.
Things I have no business being annoyed about 🤷♂️
Confident, really tall people.
But then….
Could be worse,
Tyag