Hello fellow plebs,
This is a slightly different one. It’s silly. It’s long. And it has emerged from pure green jealousy of watching the Billionaire slot machine produce more winning than ever. Happy weekend reading.
Listen, all ye peasants. We have a new king. Elon Musk of the Africas, the white savior of our times and the heralder of our planet’s future, was recently crowned the richest man on the planet. Jeff Bezos of the Americas, the messiah leading us to Terra Prime was pushed to position number two. Although Emperor Musk has since lost that position, he is undoubtedly coming to rule us all.
As the world spins in the darkness of one of the worst modern recessions, the billionaire slot machine keeps generating its bounties. This made me ponder about existential things: Inequality. Capitalism. Future of the world. And hand to hand combat.
Hear me out.
Or rather, imagine this: The top billionaires of the world slugging it out with each other in the ring. Happiness. Feels like justice.
And so it exists.
Welcome to the BCL
We are kicking off this year with a brand new sporting contest that promises to be mouth watering - Billionaire Combat League. The only criteria - you have to be a billionaire. And the rules - there are no rules. The president of the league is none other than the ex-president and the man who could do nothing right - Donald Trump.
“It’s very hard for me not to get into the ring and smash these snowflake billionaires,“ said Donald Trump when unveiling BCL to the world with a huge poster of Ivanka holding up the new flag for the league - with BCL printed in the colors of white, blue and red stripes. The crowd cheered and chanted, “USA.” repeatedly. When a reporter asked why the colors looked like a Russian flag Trump merely asked the reporter to go ask fake questions somewhere else.
The list of contestants of season 1 has been unveiled and it is an exciting line up. Here are the contestants:
#1. Archangel (Real name: Elon Musk)
He’s crazy. He’s fast. And he’s neuralink enhanced. His eyes and brains process ten moves ahead and stimulates his arms to act at lightning speed. Archangel is the ultimate package of man-machine interface and he’s slugging it out with the grimy Terrans until he can shoot off to his favorite red planet permanently.
Special move: Martian zap. A special electric shock forged with the help of a rare asteroid metal which instantly makes his opponents his groupie.
Most popular BCL quote: “I’ve got balls of titanium, baby”
#2. The Officer (Real name: Jeff Bezos)
The officer runs deep. He persists like a machine but moves like a dancer. He trains 27 hours a day and is the most efficient fighter on the planet. The officer makes 1 move for three 3 moves his opponents make. He is still as a water drop and suddenly lands the deathly punch. Followed by maniacal laughter. The officer just wants to trap you in a warehouse eternally shipping out boxes for him.
Special move: Corrugator. Ultrafast punch that splinters the opponents and packs them in 15 separate cardboard boxes that are distributed around the world.
Most popular BCL quote: “Your wasted movement is my opportunity to kill”
The seeded opponents will fight in elimination style matches. Billionaires who refuse to concede will be forced into a woke-down. They’ll be trapped in a room and be forced to watch a decline in their market cap in real time by wokestors - a special breed of people who emerged over the last decade to enforce social compliance.
The contest will span several months with each month consisting of at least 3 separate fights. When asked about whether he will win, Archangel, the top seeded contestant said, “Such a weird game. But if this simulation demands it, I shall play it”. The Officer meanwhile was seen training furiously in the private island he built in the middle of the Pacific.
Continuing on with our contestants.
#3. Megalo (Real name: Mark Zuckerberg)
He looks frail but he flails at the speed of light. Megalo runs on calculations without emotions, processing moves to confuse his opponents. He hides in his lair and shapeshifts. Disguise and disinformation are his biggest strengths. He strikes when you are distracted and confused. Megalo, who never got invited to parties as a kid, vowed to bring down the source of all parties - civilization. He wants to ultimately preside over a world where people are just beasts scavenging for truth.
Special move: Infocough. Information deluge that fills his opponent’s brain with toxic thoughts and makes them cower in fear.
Popular BCL quote: “I’m champion, bitch”
#4. Professor Pandemic (Real name: Bill Gates)
The big one is coming. At first Professor Pandemic was laughed at. When his premonitions had come true, he was demonized. All the philanthropy couldn’t make him the hero he wanted to be and thus eternally cursed to be a villain, he decided to turn evil, “humans are the parasite.” Between a smile and a soft word, professor pandemic unleashes the unexpected. In the aura of the professor pandemic, his opponents feel weak and woozy allowing him to strike calmly.
Special move: Blue spore of death. With a wave of his hand, the air permeates with toxic spores that make his opponents scream in agony as blood oozes out of their pores.
Popular BCL quote: “The only vaccine for idiots is death”
#5. Pharaoh (Real name: Larry Ellison)
Billionaire. Playboy. Bully. Pharaoh is flashy, wild and full of surprises. His glamour can spellbind you. And while you’re distracted, he can snap the feet from beneath his opponents. For Pharaoh, there are absolutely no rules. He smashes you, cleans up your account and parties in his private moon.
Special move: Tabledrop. Wipes all memories of opponents leaving them stunned and confused.
Popular BCL quote: “Difference between God and me is that sometimes the God loses”
“I am honored to flag this contest off, “ said Narendra Modi wearing a Batman suit in pure white. “In the true spirit of Atmanirbar, this contest will be streamed directly into everyone’s heads using neuralink that was built in India. Many thanks to hon. Musk-ji for opening up his new plant in the country”
Regular plebs without neuralink connection can still watch it on lower-res projections in the sky. China plans to block the sun briefly to allow humanity to bask in the bright light of the show as the demi-gods fight each other. When questioned the broadcasting minister is quoted as saying, “If they can kill each other our job gets easier”
“My only goal is to make Megalo cry like a baby,” the Pharoah, always known for throwing down a mean shade, says. Megalo, meanwhile, has refused to talk about it except for saying, “I’ve got some countries to destroy and have no time for banter.” Meanwhile Professor Pandemic put out a tweet that said, “Pharaoh is like malaria and I shall eradicate him”
Moving on to our other contestants.
#6. Grandpa Ratio (Real name: Warren Buffet)
Grandpa Ratio looks harmless. An amiable old man who dispenses wisdom. Everyone listens to him with rapt attention because he leaks cash as he speaks. But his words are well disguised viruses. His words trap the opponents to the past. He halts the world, making progress so slow, that time begins to go in reverse. Grandpa ratio’s goal is to take the world to it’s past so he could get richer.
Special move: Dividendspell. Separates opponents into tiny versions of themselves and sends them in different directions.
Popular BCL quote: “I’ll wait until eternity for you to lose”
#7. Shadownet (Real name: Larry Page)
Maker of sentient AI. Ranker of all things information. Builder of mind models. Shadownet is nowhere and everywhere. He has millions of bots to do his bidding and defeats his opponents even before the game begins. After all it’s bread and butter for a man building the ultimate matrix to trap all of humanity under the spell of a sentient AI called The Assistant.
Special move: Moonshot. A powerful blast that sends his opponents into the cold dark moon and leaves them stranded there.
Popular BCL quote: “Nothing shall escape my neural net”
#8. Emperor Bhai (Real name: Mukesh Ambani)
Heavy set, waddling with droopy eyes and looking like a cherubic pet, Emperor Bhai’s strongest weapon is his deceptive looks. Beneath the facade is a ruthless power seeker. He rules from Vaikunta, a floating city that he created casting the crumbling old city of Mumbai in eternal shadow. When he strikes, he does so like a nuclear bomb, decimating large parts of the world. Emperor Bhai has simple desires - he just wants to own the world.
Special move: Atma99. A deadly hit that removes the soul from the body and sells it for the price of 99 paisa.
Popular BCL quote: “I am your daddy”
#9. Freekout (Real name: Steve Ballmer)
He’s bald. He’s loud. He’s Freekout! At one point Freekout and Professor Pandemic mind melded together on a scheme to own the world with digital viruses and software glitch. Freekout can floor his opponents on his manic energy. He’s craziness makes him dangerous. At his heart, Freekout just wants everyone to unleash their inner simian.
Special move: MonkeyBoyDance. A move so unpredictable and crazy that it leaves opponents confused and scared leaving Freekout to strike.
Popular BCL quote: “I am winning, winning, winning, winning, winning!”
So, there you go. These are the nine initial contestants who will fight over the next three months. Stay tuned for special guests and celebrity hosts. Laugh along with humorous commentary from Fascist dictators. Participate in lottery during strategic timeout where you can win hundreds of dollars. Watch Billionaires throw tantrums and J Lo perform between fights.
It is going to be a spectacle the world has never seen before. The media reports this as the contest where “the gods will all be watching”. I say instead, “we’ll all be watching the gods fight”
Long live billionaires. Long live Earth.
Could be worse,
Tyag
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